This night is going nowhere.

This has been both the best and worst summer I can remember.  Time seems to have slowed to an unbearable pace but last month seems like yesterday.  I don’t understand.  I slept for five hours earlier and I shouldn’t have gotten up because I know I won’t be able to sleep tonight.  I know I’ll wake up early tomorrow morning and wish it was still today.  I’m very tired.  Every day I feel like driving away and leaving (Forever? Maybe. Probably not.) because I’m so tired of living like this and I’m starting to get claustrophobic.  I have enough money that I would be able to get by for awhile but then I would have to come back and nothing would be different except I would be broke.  Maybe it would be worth it to feel free for any amount of time at all.  I want to go camping.  I want to sleep under the stars and live out in the world instead of in my head for once.  I read what I wrote a week ago and it makes me sad and it makes me laugh because I’m starting to think I’m crazy.  I have these rare moments of clarity when I understand what I have to do but the rest of the time my thoughts are so weighed down I can’t recapture the insight.  I read and reread what I wrote and I can’t remember ever feeling like that even though I know I did.

Really this time.

After years of being stupid and fucking things up I came to a simple solution.  I decided to be happy and then I was.  I am.  I also figured out a number of other things but I can’t write about them yet because I’m a bit ahead of myself (I could be wrong; I usually am).  But no matter what happens tomorrow or next week or next year, I don’t regret any of it because it led to this.  I feel so awake and vulnerable and light and normally that would scare me but I’m starting to think this is the right way to be.  This whole time I thought I was being open to the universe but I started thinking about the subjectivity of time (I know that makes me sound like an asshole (sorry)) and I realized that it’s not enough to just say things if you don’t believe them.  I believe in myself now, I believe in the universe, I believe in truth.  I believe in happiness and I believe in fighting for it.  The main reason I’m writing this is in case I forget, which I often do, that as long as I have myself I’m not alone.  Existence is a victory in and of itself.  From now on, things will be different.

I don't know.

This is probably stupid, but I just remembered how real everything is.  And not in the good, being alive kind of way but in the overwhelming, suffocating kind of way.  I got more sleep in the last couple days than I have in a while and I can eat again without feeling sick but I think I’d rather feel physically wrecked than this mentally aware.  My lips are chapped, my feet are cold (I don’t know why we have the fucking air conditioning on 24/7), and I can feel my heart beating which is weird because I never could before.  I know I’ve been stupid but not anymore.  I remember who I am now and I will never again let my guard down because it always ends badly.  I let myself slip into some version of the world that was softer and idealistic but it really doesn’t matter what I think if none of it’s real.  I hate that I let it get to this point.  I hate being disappointed.  I hate that nothing led to this.  There are never catalysts, things just are and then they’re not and it messes with my head.  I’d like to pretend the last year never happened and just do it all over.  I would avoid astronomy and art and film altogether because, really, where is it going?  I would probably major in business because I hate business and it’s comforting to not have anything to lose.  I had convinced myself that if I could do film, nothing else would matter and the rest of the world would fade away.  I just don’t think it’s enough anymore.

I wish we could save the world.

I took a nap yesterday and I kept waiting to dream as I fell asleep.  I felt light-headed and I could hear the ringing and I kept waiting for the pictures to form but they wouldn’t.  I felt my body slipping forward and I thought I was going to fall off the bed but I couldn’t move.  I tried willing myself to move back with my mind but I couldn’t do it since I don’t have that kind of mental power.  So eventually words started forming in my head and I read them over and over and I don’t remember what they said but suddenly I was in a grocery store and I was dreaming.  I walked outside because I wanted to see how it felt.  I always do this when I’m dreaming because when I’m awake the memories fade and it all seems so indistinct.  So I walked outside and I could feel the wind and the cold and I could hear the beach and I saw mountains and cars and many things at the same time.

I remember thinking that it felt just as real as anything else and that maybe that was real and everything else is the dream.  This goes along with my theory that I told Amiee that everything is simultaneous but because our brains can’t think that way we perceive things as being linear when they’re not.  Maybe dreams are our brains way of trying to fix perception and bring it all back together but we’re just too stupid.  I know I am.  It’s like Sharon said, if you think about it we’re all old and we’re all young.  Maybe we’re also everyone and everything at the same time and all that matters is existing in a state more important than this one.  So many things don’t matter and I think it just brings everyone down.  Money, power, fame, even integrity.  Who fucking cares, really.  I hate that we all have to deal with society’s bullshit and that we’re all a part of it, we’re co-conspirators in this and no one can fix it.

The whole idea of perception is crazy because you can never know how much you’re missing.  With blind or deaf people, you can explain to them what vision or sound is even though they’ll never understand it but what if we’re all missing some fundamental sense and there’s no one to tell us what it is.  If you close your eyes, the world still exists.  If you stare at something on the ground long enough, it looks like it’s sinking into the floor, but theoretically it’s not actually doing anything.  What we perceive is either one of two things: real or not real.  And there’s never any way to tell which one it is.  So I’m sure there are things out there that we can’t know and never will but because people get hung up on the unimportant things they think they know about, it’s brings us down as a collective consciousness because we’re all connected and the only thing we can do is exist and love.  I think everyone just needs to chill out.

I was born on a Thursday; I've always liked Thursdays.

I feel like the same things happen every day and the same days happen every week and it might as well be February because nothing ever changes.  It’s been a long week and that’s nothing new, but this one sucked more than usual because it started out so promising.  My professor liked my script, and while I think it’s complete crap, I’m glad that he understood and appreciated what I was going for.  I try really hard sometimes (even though I won’t admit it) and all I get are good grades.  I guess that’s the point, but I can’t make myself see them as anything more than letters.  Letters just make up words and I’d rather someone just tell me I’m doing something right. 

I’ve been half-asleep since I woke up, but I was under the impression that something good would happen today.  I went to school, I went to work, I took a shower, I wore shorts.  I kept expecting something to happen.  I tried to think of things to do but I couldn’t.  I made up reasons in my head for needing to go places, but in the end I didn’t.  I called people but everyone was busy.  I did get two calls but they were wrong numbers.  I want to take a nap now since nothing has worked out right but my hair is wet.  This isn’t a big deal and I think I just don’t want to give up on the day yet.  Maybe I’ll go see a movie (no) or go out to dinner (no) or call somebody else (no).  I wish I wasn’t such a whiny little bitch.  I think I’ll go play Mario Kart.